This page is the Bizarre News items that relate to mishaps with 'Mr. Happy'. Sadly there are so many that they needed their own page, even though I don't bother with completely repetitive events..
 

• [November 20, 2004, Bangkok]    Man cuts off thieving teens' penises

  A Thai house painter cut off the penises of two teenagers with a knife after he found out they had stolen 50,000 baht ($300) of his savings from an ATM machine, police say.Manit Srithammathan, 40, told police the teenagers, now in hospital, deserved the punishment as they had betrayed his kindness in letting them stay at his house.

  "There's nothing they deserved more for stealing the money I saved that could have helped me get a job abroad," a police spokesman quoted him as saying. The painter, facing charges of life-threatening assaults and unlawful confinement, said he could not control his rage as the boys, aged 14 and 15, refused to confess to the theft which he discovered after checking a video record kept by the bank. Manit threw the severed penises into a canal before his neighbors told police about the incident.
  
  Granted, what the teenage guys did was clearly wrong. But how a man thought that robbing teenage boys of a key aspect of their sexuality was a fitting punishment for basic monetary theft is beyond me.
   

• [October 4, 2004, Romania]    Old man cuts off own penis after mistaking it for a chicken's neck
  
  A 67 year old man rushed into his yard to kill a noisy chicken that was keeping him awake. He supposedly confused his penis for the chicken's neck and chopped it off. His dog then rushed up and ate it. If true, this means several things: 1) His penis had been quite large and was sticking out of his undies, 2) His penis was easy to mistake for a feathery struggling chicken's neck, and 3) his dog was hungry enough to eat the whole penis before he could stop it. Not that I want to make light of someone's pain; I just think there is far more to this story than we're being told. The man is expected to survive and recover, though minus one large chicken-neck looking penis. Note that recent months haven't been good to penises in Romania, much as Germany wasn't in late 2003.
   
• [July 16, 2004, Romania]    Surgeon slices and dices poor patient's penis
  
  Wow. These items are usually quite extreme by any definition, but this latest one surpasses any others. A surgeon who was operating on a 34 year-old man for a testicular malformation went nuts, so to speak, and sliced off the man's penis and chopped it into three pieces. The head of the hospital was quoted as saying, "We are shocked by what has happened. It is the first time we have had such a case." Christ, I'd hope so! The plastic surgeon assigned to help the poor man says it is unlikely he will recover normal sexual activity. The man's wife is suing the crazy doctor, who has been suspended from practice pending an investigation. I'm rarely an "eye for an eye" man, but in this case I think there is an obvious punishment for this prick.
   
• [December 11, 2003, Manila]    More than phone cut off due to wrong number
  
  An irate Filipino housewife sliced off her husband's penis while he slept after she discovered text messages from another woman on his mobile phone. The woman rushed her husband to the hospital Thursday when large amounts of blood flowed from his wound, but she had forgotten to bring the severed piece of flesh. Doctors were able to restore his manhood after she raced home to collect the missing piece. The man, a welder, told the radio station he had forgiven his wife. Callers to the station, reacting to the news, offered helpful hints to wayward husbands such as never sleeping on their backs and always keeping mobile phones tucked under the pillow.
  
  Yeah, and how about never marrying a psycho bitch? There's a tip. Articles like this make me all the more glad to be gay. Gay couples have their problems too, but rarely does a man cut off a lover's dick, and for that matter I've not seen stories of men paving over a wife's cooch after her infidelity or cutting off her breasts. From all these psycho women in the news and from growing up with a house full of them, I'm convinced that women in general are more vicious and vindictive than men. Sure men have their testosterone moments, but at least they don't tend to go for the life-altering mutilation of an organ that defines the other's sexuality. How sad that so many women have.
   
• [September 23, 2003, Germany]    While high, 18 year old cuts off his cock and tongue
  
  A student cut off his penis and tongue with garden shears while tripping on a hallucinogenic drug. The dude went into the garden and severed his organs after downing a tea made with the plant Angels' Trumpet. It is a powerful and dangerous hallucinogen, which cannot be reliably measured to a safe dose. Doctors were unable to re-attach either his penis or tongue. The student has been named only as Andreas from Halle. His mother said, "Andreas was behaving normally the whole day until he left the house and disappeared into the garden for a couple of minutes." When he returned to the house he was wearing a towel wrapped around him and was bleeding heavily from his mouth and between his legs. Angels' Trumpet is the latest drugs craze to sweep Germany.
  
  Tongue and penis is a hell of a combination. While he did it all to himself, one's gotta have the compassion to have sympathy for this poor kid. He clearly got way more than he bargained for, and will pay for a lifetime for a mistake made in less time than it takes to watch a sitcom.
   
• [August 28, 2003, Texas]    Texas man wakes up after operation without penis
  
  An out-of-court settlement has been reached in the case of a North Texas man who woke up from bladder surgery only to find that doctors had amputated his penis without permission. Terms of the out-of-court settlement were not disclosed but Hurshell Ralls, 67, had been seeking over $5 million in a civil suit against the two doctors who removed his penis. They did not admit to any wrongdoing in the settlement. Attorney Steve Briley said that his client was having surgery in 1999 to remove a cancerous bladder, which would likely include the removal of his prostate gland. He contends that doctors removed Ralls' penis after they mistakenly thought the cancer had spread to the male sex organ. He charged the doctors with not seeking consent for the penis amputation and negligence. He also said a pathology test indicated that Ralls' penile tissue was not cancerous. Steed said during surgery the two doctors saw tissue indicating the cancer spread from the bladder to the urethra, and they felt removing the penis would provide the best chance for Ralls' survival. Ralls and his wife have not been able to recover from the anger and shock they felt after the surgery, his attorney said. "Mr. Ralls was not informed that he was going to wake up and not have a penis," Briley said. Whether trying to save his life or not, that is an unbelievable shock. Don't tell me they couldn't at least have consulted with his wife, who was waiting in the hospital during the operation, before taking that step.
   

• [August 15, 2003, Germany]    Yet another man cuts off his penis to "cure" his addiction to sex
  
  Once again guys, I know these things seem to have minds of their own, but they don't really. Even cutting off your 'Johnson' will not stop sexual urges. Apparently large quantities of vodka helped the blood-soaked man, 41, go through with it. He asked doctors NOT to re-attach it. No word on the outcum. Generally doctors can reattach nature's hot dog these days, but the process takes off about an inch of length. Ouch! Yet another great reason not to consider this sort of modification.
   
• [July 13, 2003, Malaysia]    Man cuts off his penis, FRIES, then EATS it!
  
  Wow, I'm all for eating dick in a sense, but not in the sense of frying, chewing up, and swallowing it. Reports say this particular man had a history of mental illness and was high on hallucinogenic pills to boot. One might have guessed as much. I mean, if I was explaining to others how I could or was going to "eat" my own dick, that's not exactly what I'd have in mind. Ah, to have the flexibility of a dog and the thick supple lips of a movie star...  No word on what seasoning his recipe for fried penis included, and I'm not expecting Martha Stewart to publish such a recipe. And that's a good thing.
   
• [November 22, 2002, London]    Scientist gets burned penis from laptop computer
  
  No, it wasn't some twisted experiment gone awry. The 50-year-old scientist had been writing a report at home for about an hour with the computer on his lap, and didn't realize just how hot the machine could get until he got a second degree burn on his penis. He remembered feeling a burning sensation, but apparently was engrossed in his writing. He noticed a redness and irritation the following day but it wasn't until he was examined by a doctor that he knew how much damage had been done. "The ventral part of his scrotal skin had turned red, and there was a blister with a diameter of about two centimeters (0.8 inches)," Claes-Gorn Ostenson, of the Karolinska Institute in Sweden, wrote in a letter published in The Lancet medical journal on Friday. Two days later, the blisters broke and the wounds became infected and then crusted but after about a week the unidentified scientist was "healing quite rapidly." Ostenson noted that the computer manual did warn against operating it directly on exposed skin but said the patient had burns even though he had been wearing both trousers and underpants. "This story should be taken as a serious warning against use of a laptop in a literal sense," he added.
   
• [Mar 2002]    During argument, woman bites off husband's genitalia, that's the penis and both testicles.
  
  Seems he was too drunk to stop her. Men, if you didn't learn from Bobbit, learn it this time: If you're going to get so drunk you can't defend the family jewels, either don't go home, or leave immediately if the Mrs. is angry. Especially if she has such a big mouth [or you're small enough] she can easily fit your whole package in her mouth during an argument. No word on whether said package was reattached, swallowed, or what.
   
• [Jan 2002]    In religious "ferver", man cuts off own penis because it was leading him to sin.
  
  Apparently it was reattached, but is now about an inch shorter. Well he can only do that so many more times then, can't he? No word on whether he gave permission to have it reattached. I mean, he didn't cut it off by accident after all. Thank God I'm not religious.
  

Please men and women alike, these poor penises don't deserve such rotten treatment. They only want to bring pleasure to others and themselves. How do people twist that into something bad? Be kind to the penis, even if you don't care for the guy it is attached to, and if you don't wanna do some'n nice for the dick, how about just leaving it be? The millions of penises mutilated each year in the process called circumcision is bad enough, especially when done to helpless infants, but the acts above even make that horror look tame. And there have been so many stories like this in recent years that I've only included a sampling of them.